Illustration: Aude Nasr

In the nineties, my mum brought some uni friends to the newly formed Russian Federation. One friend was vegan, it was December, and she couldn’t wear fur coats. This is the living nightmare of all the village ladies who started forcing butter and lard down her throat via her otherwise plain mashed potatoes to make sure she wouldn’t die overnight. Things have really improved since 1993.

It’s a steep learning curve to manage your first-world preferences when you go back to a beloved society which still prefers to cook over a flaming hole in the ground. So if you, like me, moved to London and became a vegetarian because you wanted to ruin your grandparents’ lives, here’s how you can still enjoy yourself.

Before anything, arm yourself with tin-foil and get yourself emotionally ready to take on your family matriarchs and calmly convince them that they won’t go to hell if they let you prepare your own food.

You’ll need a fire, so do this outdoors. If you don’t know how to build a fire, click here or ask an old man.

A proper brick fire would also be ideal and it’d stop you getting back-ache.

Category one: Wrap it in tin foil and throw it into the fire (sorry you probably will burn your hands)

Important: Potatoes 

Get a big potato, poke holes in it with a fork and cover it with butter or olive oil. Put the potato, a few garlic cloves, salt, any other seasoning you’re into, and bay leaves into tin foil and wrap it up tightly. Put this onto low smouldering coal and wait around 20 minutes, turning it over regularly. Alternatively, you can use the tin foil to attach the parcel to a long stick and balance it a few inches above the coals.

Aubergine #1

Slice an aubergine into circles and marinate in a bowl (don’t use a bag, it’s just weird) with olive oil, lemon juice, crushed garlic, sliced red onion, chopped chilis, fresh herbs and seasoning, for around an hour. Tip it all into tin foil, wrap it tightly, and grill over the coals. Check it every 10 minutes, it’s ready when the aubergine is soft all the way through. Cover with fresh flat parsley and eat with bread.

Aubergine #2

Similar to the potato method, poke loads of tiny holes in the skin of a whole aubergine (this always feels a bit cruel), and sprinkle salt over it.Skewer it lengthways on a long metal stick and balance it above the coals when they’re low and smoking. When the skins have blackened and the aubergine is soft, scoop out the fleshy middle into a bowl. Add a handful of chopped green peppers, lemon juice, olive oil, flat parsley, and anything else you want. Eat with bread.

Chickpeas 

Make a bowl shape with tin foil (use two layers if it’s a bit flimsy). Add a drained tin of chickpeas or around 300g of cooked chickpeas, a finely chopped red onion, olive oil, a good amount of ground sumac, 1 tsp chilli powder, and chopped or crushed garlic (about 4 cloves). Wrap this up and put onto a grill over the goals for 20 minutes. Add the juice of one lemon, a few spoons of pomegranate syrup (if you’re into that), and loads of chopped parsley. 

Beetroot and/or red cabbage

Lay a beetroot (peeled) or red cabbage on a sheet of tin foil and lightly bend the foil into a bowl shape. Squeeze an orange* over it, add a drop of olive oil or butter, and salt heavily. You could also add honey, chilli flakes, fresh parsley and mint, or whatever you like. This is best if you put it onto a grill over the coals. I’m afraid I’ve no idea how long this will take, it’ll depend on how big the vegetable is and how soft you want it.*Use lemon if you can’t cope with sweet mixing with savoury.  

Honestly, if you combine most vegetables with lemon, olive oil, salt, tin foil, and fire, you’ll end up with some good food and twenty local aunties checking your pulse and asking if you’re anaemic.

Category two: Skewers A.K.A. Where Do You Get Your Protein From

Quorn meat substitute kebabs (sorry)

If you can source Quorn chicken pieces, use them. You can find Quorn and dried soya mince in provincial Russia during Lent if you are very lucky and willing to pay a lot.

Mash about 500g of weird meat substitute with 1 finely chopped onion, a tablespoon of crushed garlic, a big handful of breadcrumbs, and a teaspoon each of ground cumin, coriander, and paprika. If you can, add an egg or some chia/flax seeds soaked in water. The mixture needs to be able to mould around a skewer without falling apart, so add extra breadcrumbs or liquid to adjust. Take some long metal skewers and mould the mixture around them like you would for Adana kebabs.

Lentil kotlets

Mash 1lb of cooked and drained lentils (green ones taste best) with three boiled potatoes, one finely chopped onion, two eggs, dried parsley, cumin, salt and pepper. For a vegan version, substitute the eggs for tapioca starch or chia/flax seeds soaked in water. The mixture should be moist but firm enough to shape, if it’s too wet, add a bit of flour or oatmeal. Roll them into 2-3 inch patties and line them up on some long skewers (metal ideally). Grill over hot coals until the outsides are crispy.

Halloumi #1

Get some skewers and a big bowl. Cut the halloumi into cubes or strips. Make a marinade with olive oil, lemon juice, pomegranate syrup, sliced red onions, fresh parsley and mint, crushed garlic, and loads of ground paprika - smash it all around a bit with a wooden spoon. Marinate the halloumi for as long as you can, overnight would be best. Skewer the halloumi cubes between thick slices of sweet pepper, red onion, apricots (yes, fruit in food is great, pineapple on pizza is great, change my mind (you can’t)), aubergine, courgette, or similar.

Halloumi #2

Slice an aubergine into strips/ribbons and cover with olive oil and lemon juice, then leave them for about half an hour. Slice some halloumi into thin squares and cover with olive oil, lemon juice, and honey or pomegranate molasses. Wrap the halloumi in the aubergine and line them up on skewers. Put some mint leaves in the wraps if you’re into that. Have with yoghurt.

Category four: Sides

• Mix a large cup of thick yoghurt (vegans, use soya yoghurt and extra lemon), juice of half a lemon, fresh parsley and mint, powdered paprika, crushed garlic, salt, pepper. Just eat this with everything.
  

• Wrap a whole garlic bulb in tin foil and hang it over some hot coals for about half an hour. Mash it and eat it on toast. You will smell great.
  

• Bread: mix together 500g white bread flour, 7g powdered dried yeast, 10g fine salt in one bowl, in another mix 175ml warm water, 175ml room-temperature natural or soya yoghurt, and 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil. Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and mix with a wooden spoon or your hands. You’ll want a big flat pan (like a tawa, you can get them in London in those high street shops that sell everything), or you could be really wild and do this on a rock.
  

• Salad dressing: honey, balsamic vinegar, pomegranate molasses, paprika, lemon juice, and olive oil in varying proportions. 

Category five: Desserts

• I have nothing for desserts cooked on a fire. Make a flatbread and put jam on it, grill some peaches, I don’t know. I’m so sorry. 

• While editing this article, Efe Levent has suggested the following recipe: slice a banana in half, put chocolate in the middle, wrap it in tin foil, and put it over the fire once it’s burnt down to a low heat.